I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Enjoy the penises
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
