connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
