can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
