false alarm. still invincible.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize