I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
