whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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