did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
