dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
