I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize