If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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