hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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