i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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