So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
