Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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