JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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