the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
