We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
