Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
