She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Randomize
