After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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