My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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