I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
