party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
