when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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