I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
