Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
