I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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