you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
