i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize