I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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