Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Randomize
