I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
