i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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