I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
