He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
our cab driver is having phone sex.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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