forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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