Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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