drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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