My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
