In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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