corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
