The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
