Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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