I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
