She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
You've changed since you got that strap on
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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