i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
