I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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