I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
