i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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