Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize
