I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
