I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
