ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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