There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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