Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
