If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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