is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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