Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
