mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
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