it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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