I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Randomize
