she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
