You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
