not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
