My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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