I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
