i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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