I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
