Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
